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| The duality of an alcoholic is something I've always had an awareness of. The ability to say something with inhuman conviction one day, and completely disregard it the next. Speaking and acting out complete untruths while paying it no attention. Placing heavy blame on flimsy targets. Having no faith in others because of a belief that they're just like you. It's absolutely pathetic.
When someone claims to have no will power, I have to muster the energy to feel sorry for them. In my head they deserve just enough attention to be handed over to specialists that are paid and trained in handling them. Once. I never signed up to be anyone's keeper, especially beings I struggle to give the title of 'people'. It seems harsh, even to me when I put it to words, but I prefer cutting my emotional connection with a loved one over enduring the strain of associating myself to an unpleasant plummet towards death. My way, when and if they do die, they've already been dead and I've got a head start at accepting it.
This time I'm considering an attempt to speed up the fall, seeing as how recovery often happens near the bottom. Why shouldn't I help gravity do it's job and shorten the amount of pain the others go through while watching?
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| I'm stepping into a new chapter for the ?th time. And at the beginning it's always with such unrealistic hopes, and it's always with a false transidental mindset, and it's always with such a firm intention of abtsinence and this time I really can't be bothered. I'm traveling the world on a cruise ship for the next six months. One couldn't ask for a more perfect situation in which to "find themselves" and embark on a spiritual journey. Most likely I'm going to be a promiscuous lush that spends his unnecessary amounts of free time coming up with unoriginal philosophical theories and reading fiction novels, both of which no one but myself will ever be interested in. I think I'm cool with that. | | |
| I could sit here for hours diving down into that frigid well. But ending my evening with hypothermia and a bad case of the shoulda-woulda-couldas just doesn't fit my fancy. | | |
| I claim residency in Pasadena. With traffic it's an hour from Hollywood, where I dance. Back when it all started we used the excuse that after a full day, it only made sence to stay in town where he had an apartment. Especially when I had to be at the studio early the next day. Eventually that excuse wore thin enough that people just stopped asking. I guess I kept going back just because he was entertaining. I'm not sure why he kept asking me back. Maybe I was giving him the attention he needed. Maybe it was just because we happened to stumble into making aquaintances that very first night and he didn't want go through that initial effort again. Either way, he always asked me back.
I was so distracted by the long nights of veneered connection that I didn't notice how little we cared for eachother.
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| One: My focus lately has been on a person's determination to keep things from people. The what and the why people aren't willing to share with who is something that I'll never get bored of. But the overlaying thought I'm constantly having is, "It doesn't fucking matter.". How can I not? No one gives a shit that you're still a virgin. No one cares if you can or cannot play guitar. No one is going to think less of your for not smoking menthols and if they do - fuck'em. Fuck'em. Fuck'em. The people that base their opinions of you on one solitary fact aren't the kind of people that should cause you a second thought, they're the kind of people you should base every insult and sarcastic remark you ever make off of.
Two: Chemical dependancy. Some are naturally weak against it. If you aren't one of those, I don't want to hear one god damned word about it. You can't relate. Don't preach, you dip-shits, because even if you've puffed a cigarette, or had a vicodin for your wisdom teeth - you don't get it. And don't talk to me about how pathetic you think "...those attention-seeking anorexics" are or how ridiculous it is for "kids" to be having so much sex because you molly mormons simply can't comprehend the workings of a completely human mind. It's not rational. It's not simplified. It is in no way, shape or form justified in the actions it envokes. So just know that you don't get it and you need to keep your unexperienced, conservative, dick sucking mouths closed.
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